PTSD and Sativa Nights

Random, unstoppable train of thoughts that are influenced by an amazing, calming, clarifying strain of sativa.

I hate you.

I hate that you were the only person I truly truly loved with so much of my heart there was no room for me.

We have now been apart longer than we were together

perpetually single year after year because i push everyone away that remotely reminds me of you.

ones got away because i believed that time was the only thing keeping me from true love.

Love and war?

This love WAS war.

and I lost.

Won some battles though.

i hate that years and years later it still always comes back to you.

you embodied every image of a bad man

and the best man.

Now, I cant tell the difference in anyone anymore.

We played capture the heart

and because you took mine and burned it,

I find myself emotionally unavailable to myself sometimes.

Diagnosed with PTSD brings both clarity and anger.

I never asked for this.

I never asked for much really.

I only wanted to serve you, and be loved back.

You were the only thing i knew FOR SURE i wanted in life.

I never wanted to change my mind about you.

and apparently this has been a subconscious burden on me.

i dont think of you

i dont miss you

i dont talk to you

i dont want to talk to you

and yet, my mental state is because of you

4 letters was all it took for you to be dumped into my life in again.

Ive done all the work to create a GREAT life for myself.

Even in peace, financial freedom, evident love and support from friends & a healthy family…

the one thing i am missing is you.

Not YOU…but ya know you…without the narcissism & chauvinism.

Now, i am so damaged, i’d rather live like this

alone

because alone is better than being with the likes of you.

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