The sun is peeking through the large window next to his bed and all I can do is stare at him. Still not knowing what the hell I am doing here. Still, wanting to know everything about him. Jason is special and has made a difference in how I see myself – even after my marriage.
I believe in myself again. I peel myself out of his bed and kiss him on the forehead. Headed off to the bakery to help Kira with the daily goods. Business is still good at Sweet 6th – at this rate, we will have to hire some help soon.
Although she does not agree with my relationship with Jason, Kira appreciates the sudden motivation I’ve found to make this business work.
“We have 3 wedding cake orders that came in yesterday. One couple wants to come in and do a tasting today” Kira tells me of all the orders that we have in our inquiry queue.
I load the display with today’s goods and begin working on calling these potential customers to secure confirmations. Again, I am sitting next to the window with my iPad, some coffee, and a slice of day-old coffee cake looking out the window, waiting.
The morning is flying by as we build cakes that will be picked up today, and answering emails that won’t stop coming. It is mid-afternoon before I realize I have not heard from Jason today. I take a moment to call…no answer.
I try to call again as I am driving back from delivering a set of pies to a nursing home. This time, straight to voicemail.
“Hey, mister. I’ve missed you all day. Call me back”
I scratch my forehead as I stop at a red light. Where is he? I am beyond concerned now that the sun has gone down. I’m anxious as I return to the bakery and immediately go to Jason’s loft. The door knob is different.
He opened the door with a sense of defeat. I notice the loft smells of bleach and there is a box by the door. He does not say much, but walks out to the terrace where I notice the patio furniture is gone.
“What’s going on?” I asked with my eyebrow raised.
He reaches for my hand and pulls me closer. “I love you.”
A sigh of relief comes straight from my chest. I knew I loved him, and I always thought he loved me, but he’d never said it to me before. “I love you too.”
“I know we haven’t talked much about a future. This job here is done. So, I have to get out of here”
“So, where are we going?”
“We?” he said with a curious smile. “It’s great that you are willing to move with me”. A kiss on the forehead to seal the deal.
“Move out of here, yes. But I can’t move away with you”
“Look, I know that we never talked about a future together but I can’t vision any scenario without you in it. My time here is up and I have to go back home…”
I back away from him slowly. I catch a view of Sweet 6th. “Home…there has to be another way. I’ve finally got everything I wanted”
“You deserve everything you want, Sid”
“And I want to be with you. I want you in my life…but my life is HERE! It was all starting to come together and you want me to abandon that!”
Tears in my eyes, he looked at me with a blank stare. Then, it hit me. The doorknob, the box by the door…he was never going to talk to me if I did not come over.
“Wait….you were going to leave anyway. It doesn’t matter if I come with you or not. That’s why you didn’t answer my calls or come by the bakery today. You were just going to leave me and now you want to play this out like I am the one letting YOU off the hook?!”
Still, nothing from him but a blank stare. “I just want things to be easy-”
“Loving me is easy. Right?” I had such high hopes for an answer I wanted to hear.
The same person that has made me laugh by day, and hold me at night is not the same person standing in front of me. I feel my hands getting clammy, and even though he still has not answered my question, I can’t hear anything by my heart beating in my ears.
“You’ve got to be kidding me” I push past him to leave.
“I love you. You know that. I live on a different construction site once a year. This is the hardest move out I’ve ever had to do. If I knew we’d fall for each other that first night we had dinner here, I would have given you a heads up about all of this.”
There is an attempt within me to try to control what is now rage. Angry tears are draining all of my energy “You were never going to give me a heads up, you were not even going to say goodbye!”
I left slamming the door behind me. It was clear his mind was made up. Granted, he has no choice but to move out of his loft, it seems like there was never a bigger picture for us beyond the end of this project.
The drive is quiet and my mind is full of a billion thoughts. Worry, anxiety, fright…all but panic is running through my body.
I’ll take a bath when I get home. That will help me relax. I kept the phone close by. I can’t miss it when he calls.
Morning comes. It is five-thirty in the morning, so, my iPhone alarm blaring again. This is all so familiar.
Laying there in darkness “This can’t be happening again.”
Out of bed and off to the bakery. I leave early so that I can go to Jason’s loft again. This time I can’t even get into the building. There is a sign that says, “Welcome Residents” that was not there yesterday.
It was a good thing the bakery was busy today. I needed to keep moving to take my mind off Jason and what I have not accepted as the end of our relationship. My stomach dropped every time someone walked in. I can’t help but think he will come over today and we can talk. We could at least talk before he officially moves out of his loft.
Closing time came quick. The only thing I can do is get into my car and go home. How can he just leave me without saying goodbye? We never talked about what we were doing, we never talked about a future, only that somehow we’d always be connected. He’d always be around. He promised. And now I don’t know if I have been played, or if I was just that blind to reality.
One thing for sure, he and I had a much better relationship than this. He can’t just leave me like this! We were just together yesterday! And now he is…gone without a word. I expected better from Jason. You can’t make someone fall in love with you and then just leave them like this.
Was it all a lie? Is this what he does? Is there a new woman at every new job site he is assigned to? Why did he make me believe so much in myself, and what we had. For a minute, I was finally thriving.
My business is doing well now. I finally had a routine that worked for me. I had the confidence to make this business work, and I had a real companion at my side. And now, I feel like all of that is gone.
It is five-thirty in the morning now. I gave myself one day to grieve. But this routine I got so good at, must continue. I have to “cop it sweet”.
Falling in love with someone before really figuring out what I was doing with my life, not knowing who he truly was or what we were doing, and then leaning on the incredible role he played in my building myself up….has consequences that I must now live with.
I was never honest with myself, about how much I loved him until now. Still, looking for him to walk into the bakery. Phone still close by in case he calls. He never shows. He never calls. And I will never know if any of it was real.