Today I put on some make up. I did it because I felt sad and ugly. I feel like this all the time. So, lately I’ve been pushing myself to do things that make me feel good, but not that toxic destructive stuff that makes me feel good for a moment and then terrible once reality starts to steep back in. I coach myself into doing things I havn’t done in a while. Yesterday I organized my closet. Today I put on makeup. I put on makeup because I am sad.
I am sad because I am alone. The only thing that makes me feel happy is NOT being alone. See, I love people, and people love me. I love to bring joy into peoples lives, and I like to help people. I am great at making other people feel good. I’m good with making others feel good because I’ve had a lot of practice on myself because I feel sad a lot. But, when I make others feel good, I feel good…for a little while.
Then, I get lonely. I am uncomfortable in my lonely. I am uncomfortable in my lonely because for as long as I can remember I’ve been a people person. I’ve always had different groups of people to connect with. And from those groups, I can always count on at least ONE person that can use my company. Today, I have no one. The many friends I have in many places…yet there is nobody here when I am sad. Nobody needs my company. There is nobody that I can make happy. So, I am sad. I need to feel normal. So, I put on some makeup.
I put on makeup mostly because it is something to do. I can kill about 20min to an hour of time depending on how dramatic I get with it. So, I put on some makeup and practice trying to make myself feel good by pretending I am a regular person. A pretty face hides the sadness. Someone should see this pretty face.
I put on makeup because now maybe if I go outside someone will notice me, and then I can say something to make them happy. They will feel good, and then I will feel good. Who knows, maybe they will want to be my friend, and then I can make them happy all the time.
I put on makeup because I am a very sad person trying not to cry. Crying gives me a headache. Headaches make me want to crawl into bed. Crawling into bed is what sad people do. What sad people do looks a lot like me when I put on a full face of make up. And, if I cry now, then I will mess up my face. And, well, that would be counter productive.
In my lonely, I have dramatic smokey eyes and a perfectly contoured face. I feel sad. But, I look normal- I look just like everybody else.