It takes a profoundly strong man to voluntarily step up to the plate that another man fucked up entirely just before he nonchalantly walked away from the table. I do not know if he was blind and dumb or simply a glutton for punishment. To say that I have been through a lot is an immense understatement.
I have been told for years how impossible it was for anyone to ever love me. And, I began to truly believe it. When all you hear are negative things about yourself, you actually think that you’re the most disgusting human being on the face of the earth.
That is how I felt on the night of our first date. You did not notice, but, I did not wear makeup that night because I could not stop crying that evening. I sat in my car in front of the bar where we met thinking about how I can get out of seeing you. Planning to bail out, you called me saying that you were there also. It only took one night and three rounds of life sized Jenga to realize that I am not and never was any of the horrible things I had been called earlier that day. All it took was you.
Of all things I don’t understand about life and my current place in it, the one thing that I am certain of is your ability to make all of the chaos go away. When I am with you, I forget about everything else. I live in panic mode. Yet, you’ve never actually seen me panic. There is only peace and understanding with you. There is no shouting, or stories that I have to poke holes in.
For years I’ve doubted everything that I know while someone else placed their own truths in my head in order to validate his harsh actions. Thank you standing by my side while I struggled to make sense of what is reality. Even though I never vocalize it, I question every positive thing you ever spoke to me. And yet, without knowing, you still offer me reassurance any time I need it. Thank you for never raising your voice at me because you know it sends me into flashbacks with extreme fear and anxiety. Thank you for listening when I said I couldn’t stand to be touched unexpectedly because I was used to being battered.
Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for giving me back my voice. Thank you for reminding me that I am a unique human being with special qualities and hidden talents that deserve to be known. Thank you for showing an interest in my thoughts, my story, and me. Thank you for not judging me for who I was when you met me and loving me for who I really am all chaos aside. Thank you for never doubting my worth or significance in your life. Thank you for being loving towards me, even when I am unloving towards myself.
Understand that these psychological scars run deep and not every day will be the easiest pills for us to swallow. I know you will always wait quietly and respectfully when I feel I need my space.
Thank you for holding me tight when I am feeling insecure and need to feel our connection. Thank you for watering me with kindness, affection, and reassurance. Thank you for making sure that I know that I no longer have to walk this world alone and in fear. Thank you for being a savior of sorts. Thank you for looking at my broken pieces and seeing them as art.